Children are people, too
As a therapist that works with children, I often get asked questions regarding what takes place in session and how I connect with children. There are many different ways to connect with children, but the technique I find to be most effective is treating children as if they are their own person, who has their own thoughts, makes their own decisions, and has their own likes and dislikes. Below, I outline a few different thoughts that adults and parents should keep in mind when interacting with children.
So You Had a Bad Day- Have you ever woken up on the wrong side of the bed, got stuck in traffic on the way to work, got yelled at by your boss, and then realized to yourself that you’re having a bad day? Children have bad days, too. Maybe their favorite cereal was finished by their older sister or they were rushed out of the house, and in the process forgot to pack their lunch in their bag. Often times adults do not give children the space they need to experience what a bad day feels like. Offering assistance to help improve their mood can be helpful, but sometimes the answer will be a resounding “no!”. Or even, “get away from me!”. Reminding yourself that children can experience a “bad day” in the same way an adult can show your child that it is ok to feel upset as long as it is within reason.
Change of Plans- How many times have we promised our children that they can go over to a friend’s house after school or visit the zoo on a Sunday, but then something comes up and we have to cancel those plans? It happens quite often for different reasons and the reactions that each child has is usually one of anger and frustration. As parents, we should allow those reactions to happen and help our children process those feelings. When plans change even for adults, we can feel unbalanced and unprepared, but we work through those feelings and find alternative ways to handle it. We should apply a similar approach to children when we change plans on them and recognize that we have almost the same reaction they do.
Remove Temptation- “Mom, can I have a cookie”? “Not until you eat “real” food”. This is a common conversation that happens multiple times a day, every day if you have young children at home. Sometimes the things that our children want, but cannot have are right in front of them, tempting them to keep on asking for it over and over. The obvious solution is to remove it from their sight, but if we can anticipate scenarios that might pose a challenge for your child, prepare them for that situation and let them know that they have your full support, no matter what comes their way.
A Mind of Their Own- Parents have a tendency to intercede on their child’s behalf throughout the day, often putting their own opinion or desires onto their child. For example, a child is at the ice cream store and decides on the choice of mint chocolate chip with sprinkles. A parent might be tempted to say, “You don’t like that flavor, you like vanilla”. That can put the child in an awkward position because what the parent is doing is deciding for the child instead of the child choosing for his/herself. As parents, we have an instinct to fulfill all of our children’s needs but we also need to be mindful of allowing them to make decisions that feel right to them.
Ben Barer, LCSW-C is offering counseling sessions virtually as well as in-person. Ben also has extensive experience working with adolescents, individuals and families. Ben is experienced working with addictions, depression, anxiety, narcissistic personality disorder and men’s issues. He can be contacted by phone or email, 443-601-9722 or barercounseling@gmail.com or through the contact form on barercounseling.com
