Co-parenting with a “difficult parent”
What is the definition of co-parenting?
Co-parenting can be defined exactly as it sounds, which is two parents taking on the shared responsibility of raising a child. However, more recently the term “co-parenting” refers to parents of divorce or separation coming together to raise their child in a healthy and effective way. Parenting in general is challenging but trying to raise kids after a divorce or separation requires a totally different parenting approach.
There are different stages parents go through after a separation or divorce and we have to recognize those stages for what they are in order to be effective in co-parenting. These stages vary somewhat depending on the person but most people first feel shock and denial, then anger and pain, followed by depression and reflection, and finally reconstruction and acceptance. Throughout each stage, the mother and father are processing their emotions and oftentimes, the ups and downs of those emotions can impact the way that they parent. We need to keep this in mind as we go through each step because if the mind is not calm and grounded, it can be quite difficult to be an effective parent, much less co-parent.
1. Establishing Boundaries- Parents will often blame each other when their parenting techniques are not effective and more times than not, the reason for this is because each parent has a different style of parenting. Some might even feel that was part of the reason that led to the divorce or separation. But no matter the reason, resentment and anger should not have a place in co-parenting. By setting those boundaries and expectations, it will make it clear to each partner that there are limits and those limits need to be respected.
2. Adapting to Changes- There will always be times where one parent needs a favor or something unexpectedly comes up. Whether it is picking up the kids from soccer practice or dropping them off at a friend’s house, being flexible displays that you are in control of how you react in the relationship, even if you feel the other parent will not return the favor.
3. Create a Schedule- Having a schedule makes everything easier, both for the parents and the children. Everyone knows what is expected of them and when to expect it. Having a schedule is also a form of setting boundaries and this sets a good example for your children.
4. Agreeing to Attend Functions In a Civil Manner- Let’s face it- there are times where there are going to be disagreements between both parents. Parents that can agree that no matter what, those arguments will not happen at a school play or a ballet recital goes a long way to the co-parenting relationship. The children are able to have “their moment” at their function without having to worry that their parents might start arguing in public.
5. It is All About the Children- This is non-negotiable. Every decision that is to be made related to co-parenting should always have this rule in mind. If there is a disagreement between parents and they are unsure how to resolve it, the tie-breaker should go to the “side” that favors the children’s interests. There will be times where tensions are high between parents but one of the ways to de-escalate and move in a positive direction is to make a decision that is best for the children.
If you or someone you know is going through a separation or a divorce, Ben Barer, LCSW-C has experience working with parents on strategies and tools on how to co-parent effectively, dealing with parents who suffer from depression, anxiety, narcissism, and Bi-polar disorder. He can be contacted by phone or email, 443-601-9722 or barercounseling@gmail.com or through the contact form on barercounseling.com.
